Behind Closed Doors

There is a street a few blocks over from my house that is very pretty. Tall palms trees and sidewalks usually filled with dog walkers and kids rollerblading. Impromptu games of hockey are played in the street. Doors are left open during the day as children run from house to house visiting their friends and there always seems to be someone sitting on a lawn chair enjoying a soda and chatting with a neighbor. There is even one of those portable basketball nets that someone has moved to the curb where their trash cans would normally be, inviting anyone with a ball to shoot some hoops. At Halloween, the neighbors on that street go all out, elaborately decorating their homes, dressing in costumes to hand out candy to the kids and drinks to the adults and so many people flood the block from the surrounding streets that you feel as if you're part of a Mardi Gras crowd. They are no less festive at Christmas. Most of the street put up light displays, winding long strands of white lights up the tallest palm trees or wrapping them around the trim of their homes. On the Fourth of July mini flags are posted on the lawns and kids decorate their bikes with red, white and blue and follow a fire truck up and down the streets in a makeshift parade. It feels like a happy street, not unlike the one I live on - only with better coordination on their holiday celebrations. Last week, a woman on that block tried to commit suicide at six in the morning. She misfired and shot herself in the face. A surgeon friend of mine told me they often see that in the ER because despite how determined someone is to commit suicide with a gun, they often flinch when pulling the trigger and instead of firing into their mouth, they shoot up or to the side, causing a non-fatal (but still awful) injury.

I'm up at 4am on most mornings. Not by choice. But I find it is the only time of day where there is true quite in my life. My family is asleep, most of my friends back East are still snoozing or just waking up and going to work so I can't even distract myself by calling another time zone. I write from 4 to 6 before I start my day. I heard the ambulance cut through the silence of my early morning work time. Its sirens where loud but brief, followed by two police cars which raced to the scene. I didn't find out where they were going or know what had happened until I read a small article in a local digi-paper, not even an article really, more of a police scanner report describing the incident on the lovely little street a few blocks over.

I asked friends of mine who live on the street if they knew who it was and how she was doing. But none of the three I asked were even aware it had happened. They were asleep in their beds or in the shower or listening to talk radio while getting ready for work. They didn't hear the ambulance which was gone long before they left their houses for work or to take their children to school. No one on the street had told them about it. It happened and it was over.

I was caught off guard by how much I was saddened by the incident. I felt badly that behind all those doors on that lovely little street there was someone so sad, so desperate, a woman my age, with kids and a husband and maybe a dog or two, that she would try to kill herself at six in the morning and no one, not her neighbors, her friends, or even her family knew how badly she was suffering. She might be another mom at our school or someone I pass and smile at while picking out ripe fruit at Trader Joe's or wave to when I take my infrequent early morning power walks down her block. It felt like we should have known, shouldn't have missed her pain. But somehow, because everything on the outside seemed as perfect and idyllic as the street she lives on, everyone missed what was going on behind closed doors.

Thoughts in the Aftermath

Tyler Clementi, an 18 year old Rutgers University freshman, committed suicide recently because his roommate, Dharun Ravi, and Dharun's friend, Molly Wei, videotaped him having sex in his dorm room with another male and streamed it live over the Internet on a webcast. Dharun, who apparently was upset because his new roommate was gay, had also tweeted his frustration about his living situation. Tyler's death is a horrible tragedy. What was done to him was cruel and unacceptable, an invasion of privacy in its most extreme form aided by technology which is outpacing our ability to teach our children how to use it and unhindered by society's governance of how it should be employed.

It is almost impossible to imagine that Ravi and Wei could not have understood that their "prank," as I heard someone call it, would not be devastatingly hurtful and have horrible repercussions. Was their intent for Tyler to commit suicide? Probably not, but it doesn't matter. He's dead, they could possibly face expulsion from college and a good five years or so in jail. Honestly, three lives are destroyed because of youthful stupidity, selfishness and arrogance. But also because none of these people felt there was a caring adult in their world who it would be safe to turn to with their troubles. I'm sure there were people who would have supported him, his parents being the first in line, but he didn't feel like he had anyone to turn to. What if Tyler, instead of committing suicide, had reached out to his parents, dorm RA, a gay and lesbian group on campus? Someone who could have dealt with what happened and supported him through the horrible bullying he was enduring from his roommate? He needed someone who could have assured him that the embarrassment of what happened was, as awful as it felt, something that in time would pass and that others, relatives, friends, classmates, strangers, would support him against this invasion and support him for who he was as a person - not because he is gay, but because it is the right thing to do.

It bothers me a little that this is being framed as a gay rights, gay bullying issue. What was done to him could easily have happened to anyone, gay or straight. That this incident was most likely motivated by his roommate's ignorance, fear and bigotry of gays is what people are focusing on, but honestly, I can envision any young college freshman, male or female, gay or straight, having their privacy invaded like that would be humiliated and devastated on many levels. It is not only an invasion of their privacy, it is an attack on the core of who someone is as a person, something Tyler seemed not yet comfortable enough with to survive this assault. But at 18, again, gay or straight, who is really comfortable with who they are?

I was also struck by the other side of this tragedy, and again, how good parenting and support might have stopped this from happening. What if Ravi had been mature enough to express his upset at having a gay roommate by talking to his RA, going to student housing or just picking up the phone and talking to mom and dad about it, asking them to intervene on his behalf? But no, instead, in his immaturity, he turned to derisive and bullying behavior which resulted in someone dying. And I'm trying to imagine why Wei got involved in this crime rather than being the voice of reason when Ravi enlisted her help. In what universe do you think it's okay if a friend comes to you with an idea, "Hey, let's broadcast my gay roommate having sex," and you respond, "Yeah, great idea, let's do it!" I always talk to my girls about evaluating situations that they are presented with and if the situation looks like a bad idea because it will get them in trouble or be dangerous to themselves or others, to be the voice of reason or turn and go the other way and stay out of whatever mess your friends are about to get into. I tell them they can blame it on me, say, "My mom wouldn't want me to..." Lame, I know, but it works. So where was Wei's "This isn't a good idea" moment? Why did she willingly go along with something that these clearly smart, academically gifted kids should have known was both morally wrong and would get them in trouble...big trouble? I can only assume gang mentality kicked in. It was a way to get back at someone they didn't like because he was different. They thought it would be cool and funny, a joke. But it wasn't. And now, nobody's laughing.

My parents always taught me that it wasn't any of my business who someone was sleeping with. As long as they are a good and thoughtful person who cares about others and their community, that's all they should be judged by. And it sounds like that's who Tyler was. Too bad his community, and by that I mean not just the gay community, but all of us, weren't able to support him when he needed it most.

Out of this awful loss comes lessons to be learned about helping and supporting kids, teaching them how to be more mature and to think through the consequences of their actions. But what we are also left with is the question of how to deal with the rapidly changing technology and the new (and often destructive) ways that people, particularly young ones, find to use it.

For more on Tyler's story, visit: http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504083_162-20018574-504083.html