Ten (or More) Reasons Why My Mother-In-Law Rocks

After my well thought out summer childcare plans blew up in my face in early June and a trusted and much beloved caregiver suddenly wasn’t available, I did what any reasonable working parent would do – I buried my head in the sand, lived in denial for weeks and kept telling myself that everything would work out. Three weeks before camp was over and the kiddies would be home unattended unless I got my act together, I started to email around to all my regular, fabulous teenage sitters hoping that some of them would be available for the rest of the summer - two weeks...two long weeks.

The plan was to create a patchwork of childcare options between teen sitters and playdates. Unfortunately, everyone else was much better organized – their kids were in camp, their nannies or sitters were hired, multiple playdates weren’t an option. Most of the teen sitters had family vacations planned so they were only able to help a day here and a day there, not for the two weeks...two long weeks...that I needed.

I checked with the camp director to see if they had space in their August program and if I could extend the 4 weeks we'd originally signed up for (at the cost of just about what it costs to send a space shuttle to the International Space Station.) The director laughed, saying they booked up months ago and weren't even taking names on the waitlist. I continued going through my rolodex of sitters. I found several adult sitters who were available to watch my girls, but at $15 -18 an hour, it was going to cost me around $1,200 to $1,500 to have them watch the girls for two weeks...did I mention it was a long two weeks?

After a few sleepless nights picturing my children in a John Hughes' Home Alone movie, it occurred to me to call my mother-in-law on the off chance that she might agree, at the last minute...and I mean LAST MINUTE...to come out to Los Angeles from New York to keep my kids, her grandchildren, from living a summertime childcare nightmare. She had just come out to visit at the end of June for Nicole's graduation. She's not a fan of airports or air travel, and she'd been having health issues lately. I asked my husband if he thought it was a good idea to ask her, and all he could say was, "You can try." I asked her and the first thing she said was, "When do you need me?" Less than two weeks later my mother-in-law arrived at our house after a flight on an overcrowded red eye financed entirely by frequent flier miles. That's reason one that my mother-in-law rocks - in a time of need, she doesn't ask why, she asks when and how she can help. Always has.

I have to try not to gush about her when other women complain about their mother-in-laws. I have it lucky, I know. And I try to take note of what she's doing because she's a great role model for how I'd like to be when I hit the mother-in-law/grandma phase. Now don't get me wrong, everything isn't always perfect and we do sometimes have our disagreements. She thinks I undercook meat, whereas I think she overcooks it. She'd rather see the girls in dresses more often and I let them dress themselves - most of the time resulting in less than coordinated looks. I know she thinks I can do better with their hair and she's probably right on that one! Sometimes she speaks to me the same way she does to her own daughter, my sister-in-law. For a second I bristle, but then I realize that in a way, it's a compliment. She's treating me like she treats her own daughter, even if it makes me crazy in the same way my own mother would.

Other reasons I love my mother-in-law:

She's always game for something new – last week she ran through sprinklers in her swimsuit because it was just too darn hot! (I think that’s really cool!)

She will eat experimental food and not hold it against me if it's bad.

Rum and coke is to her as Merlot is to me.

She is always respectful of space, time and relationships.

I've been told that in her day she could drive from New York to Florida by herself and make Speed Racer look like an amateur.

We both worship coffee.

She will bite her tongue when she doesn't like something I do and yet she will also speak up when she feels it's important enough.

She is thoughtful not only to her son and grandkids, but to me as well - sending us cards, notes of encouragement, even tucking a few dollars of mad money into the girls' pockets. The last time we went to visit her, she left a hand written coupon for an ice cream cone and a manicure on my pillow :)

She can be assertive without being aggressive.

She will pick up a load of clean laundry and fold it without asking. Ditto for washing dishes. Yes, now I'm gushing...

She never complains, although I know that she is often in pain, putting others concerns ahead of her own.

She'll tell me funny stories about my husband when he was a kid even if it pisses him off.

And most importantly, I know that she would throw herself in front of a train if she had to in order to protect my children.

I'm lucky, I know. I try to remember that when my mother-in-law cuts out self-help articles from newspapers or magazines and leaves them on the table for us to read...It makes my husband crazy. Me, I’m used to it. My mother used to do the same thing.

Nanny Speak

There was an article last week in the New York Times called, “How to Talk Nanny,” (www.nytimes.com/2010/02/04/garden/04nannies.html), which really got under my skin. The point of the article was that there are a growing number of high powered executive women who employ nannies but are constantly frustrated with them because the nannies don’t do what they say because the women executives don’t know how to talk to their domestic help and aren’t communicating their needs to them. First off, apparently, if you based it on what you read in this article, no fathers employ or deal with nannies. Secondly, only wealthy corporate climbers hire nannies. Thirdly, there is an implication that somehow the nannies are at fault and that the employers have to find special ways to communicate with the help and their limited abilities to comprehend things. The article even talks about consultants, workshops and psychologists who are sprouting up to address the problem, specializing in improving communications between parents and their nannies. Really? You need a consultant for this? A therapy session with your maid? Really?

Here’s what I’m guessing - just because these moms are on the corporate fast track doesn’t mean home is the only place they don’t know how to communicate with their employees. I’m thinking the same people needing nanny speak instruction are probably pretty inarticulate, passive-aggressive, demanding or simply unavailable to give instruction (you fill in the appropriate blank) at work as they are at home. Their problem communicating their needs isn’t unique to dealing with their domestic situation – it probably is an issue in many areas of their life. It just bothers them more at home because it’s their home, they have to return to it after the rigors of the day, they’ve entrusted the care of their children and household to someone else and they want it to be right. I get that, but making it seem like there is some communication issue that is unique to the parent/domestic help relationship is absurd!

Trust me, I’ve had my own nanny issues. We won’t even go into detail about the one who locked my 2 year old in a car on a hot day while she ran inside the store to pick up something and then didn’t understand what the problem was when I found out later and spoke with her about it. I think her response was something like, “I was only in the store a minute.” Needless to say, that was her last day in my employ. I’ve never been a fan of having someone else in my home handling my children or doing stuff when I’m not there. Inevitably and often through no fault of their own, they’re not going to do it exactly the way I want it every time. I’ve learned to either accept that or go crazy. If they can follow the instructions I’ve given and gotten close, then we’re good. If I didn’t ask, instruct, inform and they did their own thing – then that’s on me.

“How to Speak Nanny,” really should be titled, “How to Communicate and Get What You Want… or At Least Close To It.” But that isn’t anywhere near as offensive as “How to Speak Nanny,” and doesn’t give these moms suffering from this communication malady an out to imply that the problem is really with the nanny and not themselves.